Comfort Zone

I was talking to my aunt over the weekend, explaining some of the obstacles Monster Man faces after she'd asked about Tourette Syndrome, when my mom reminded me that I needed to explain to her about being Monster Man's "comfort zone".  I realized then that I've talked a little about being his comfort zone, but I haven't really explained what I mean when I say that I am his comfort zone.

Those with Tourette Syndrome often try to suppress their tics, their rage, or their anxiety.  Rather than letting others see their struggles, they hold them in as long as they can.  After all, the public isn't always as accepting of their tendencies as they should be.  As the tics and emotions are held inside, they build up more and more, just waiting to be released.  Then, when the Touretter can't hold it in any longer or gets somewhere where he or she can release the tics or emotions without worrying about being judged, the bottled up tics and emotions come out ... and they come out much stronger and much more severe than they would've had they initially been released.

That safe place to release the tics and emotions - that place where the Touretter knows that he or she will not be judged by the tics, the rage, the anxiety, etc - is his or her "comfort zone".  The comfort zone isn't just a place, however.  It is often times a person or a group of people.  In Monster Man's case, his comfort zone isn't at home; it is anywhere that I am.  He knows that my love is unconditional, that I won't stop loving him when he lashes out at me or when he shakes his head so hard it makes him dizzy.  He knows that, when he finally calms down (sometimes hours after his rage starts), I will always be there for a hug.  He knows that, no matter how many times he tells me he hates me, I continue to love him and I know that he really does love me.

Sometimes, being the comfort zone is a hard job.  It isn't easy to hear him call me names, to hear the hateful tone in his voice, and to have him blame me for all the struggles he is facing.  It isn't easy to have him aim all that anger directly at me.  But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I know that he really does love me, and that he's only aiming his aggression at me because I am doing a good job of loving him and letting him know that he is loved.  And I know that all those harsh words will eventually be followed by hugs, apologies, and a much happier, more loving Monster Man.

Rage - Looking Back

I often catch myself saying that Monster Man's symptoms appeared out of nowhere - that one day he was a normal, happy-go-lucky boy and then suddenly he was filled with tics, anxiety, etc.  Looking back, though, I realize that the rage started much earlier than his other symptoms did.

Somewhere between the ages of two and three, Monster Man developed a temper that went far beyond the terrible twos, no matter how much I tried to pass it off as just that.  I remember him being about two and a half and getting extremely upset about not getting his way.  He went to the end table by the coach and flipped the table over with one large yank on one of the legs.  The lamp, picture frames, etc that were on top of the end table went flying.

Another time, when he was almost three, he through a fit in a parking lot that resulted in me holding him tightly while sitting on a grassy median, trying desperately to get him to calm down.  I finally managed to get him inside the car, sitting in my lap until he calmed down (at which point I put him in his car seat so we could head home).  I didn't want him running in front of a car, something he'd almost done in the process of our struggles.  As I closed the car door, an off-duty police officer knocked on the car window asking if he could help me, stating he'd watched me struggling for over 45 minutes.  Just seeing the officer finally helped to calm him down, and we were able to get him in his car seat and ready to leave.

Still another time, a few months after his third birthday, I remember sitting with him in my lap, trying to get him to stay quiet at an event at his sister's school.  When I told him he needed to calm down, he suddenly got so angry that he turned around and tried to choke me.  It didn't take long for me to get him under control, but you could still see that look in his eyes that he gets to this day with his rage episodes.  Once he calmed down, he was back to snuggling with me and telling me how much he loves me.

It always amazes me that he can be so loving one minute and so angry the next.  He reminds me of Jekyll and Hyde, suddenly changing from good to bad and then back to good, usually without any warning.

Time Change Rage

We had been doing so well in recent weeks that I'd thought we might be over Monster Man's anger issues.  Sure, he'd had his share of being upset over the things most kids get upset about - sibling rivalry, not getting his way, etc - but he still seemed to have gotten rid of the anger that tends to build up and then come barreling out of him almost in a fit of rage.

He didn't feel really well all weekend.  For the most part, he was fine.  He'd get upset about something and then start laying around.  Whenever he'd start laying down, upset, he'd spike a fever and start complaining of a headache and stomachache.  My hubby used to do the same thing as a child, kind of as a stress reaction, and it didn't take us long to figure out that was what was going on with Monster Man this weekend.  Once he got up and got moving, especially once he found something fun to do, his fever would drop and he'd be back to normal.

Between this and the time change, it was not much of a surprise that Monster Man was in such a bad mood this morning.  He had napped quite a bit over the weekend when he wasn't feeling well, but he could not seem to get to sleep last night when he was sent to bed for the night.  This morning, he dragged to get around and then had to be rushed to get out of the door before the bus arrived to pick him up.

He seemed to get upset over everything this morning.  I told him to make sure he got his jacket, he yelled that he knew and then glared at me.  I told him that he needed to make sure he had his backpack, he yelled that he already had it.  At one point, he got mad and sat on the steps because I told him not to stand with the front door open (didn't want him letting out the dog).  Then he refused to talk to me except to yell at me even more.  I was proud of him, though, because I saw him pick something up to throw it, and then he caught himself and put it down before he could act on impulse.

Unless you've seen Monster Man at his worse, or unless you've lived with someone with the same anger issues as Monster Man, you might easily pass it off as just being typical moodiness in a boy his age.  However, those who have experienced what I have with Monster Man realize that there is quite a difference between the two.

I am hoping he will be back to my happy little boy once he gets home from school today.

Rage

While laughter is the best medicine, I have a hard time finding the humor in the rage that Monster Man seems to experience quite often. He'll go through several great days, with little anxiety and very few tics. Then he gets hit with days where he seems angry at the world. He isn't feeling well today, which is adding to the anger.

Some days, his anger is aimed more at his brother and sister. Most days, though, it seems like his anger is aimed more at me. I've heard that because I am his "comfort zone" (the person he feels most comfortable around, who he can feel free to tic around and who he gets the most comfort from when he's experiencing anxiety), he feels more comfortable expressing his anger to me. Sometimes I wish that he wasn't so comfortable expressing that anger around me because the attitude always comes out that he can't stand me. Yes, he's even told me he hates me (which is completely unacceptable) during these times of rage. Hearing the tone of his voice, the yelling, the spite, and the choices of words while he's so angry is not just upsetting, it's hurtful.

After he calms down, he always apologizes and comes to me for hugs, and then he starts to get clingy and seems to have developed another stage of separation anxiety, and he's the complete opposite of the child he was only a few minutes earlier. It's amazing how fast his attitude shifts.