Monday, February 20, 2012

I came to an upsetting decision

I had to come to a decision over the weekend that has been kind of upsetting for me.  I have tried, up until now, to keep Monster Man off any medications for his Tourettes.  I know so many people have benefited from them, but the list of side effects and the whole process of finding which one will work best for my child just scares me.  I've heard horror stories about what the wrong medications can do (making symptoms worse instead of better, making kids seem like zombies, extreme weight gain...) and I didn't want to see Monster Man possibly go through those experiences.  I had debated at one time, trying to get him into a study before I'd heard these horror stories, and I felt like we'd dodged a bullet when the study didn't work out.  It was so upsetting for me to realize that I cannot help my son without the help of these medications.  I felt like I had failed my child, and it broke my heart to know that I couldn't help make him better on my own.

Friday, Monster Man had the worst rage episode he'd ever had.  This time, he got violent with it.  He'd never done more than an attempt to hit once or twice in his rage episodes previously, but this time he actually pinned down his little brother, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him until I pulled him off of Little Man.  When Little Man ran to my room to hide, and Angel Baby stepped between the two boys in an attempt to protect the youngest, Monster Man knocked her down and starting squeezing her as hard as he could with his hands.  I had to pull him off of her and have Angel Baby lock herself and Little Man in my room until I was able to get Monster Man calmed down.  For nearly 45 minutes, I watched as my son struggled to get himself under control, an evil look crossing over his face.  For nearly 45 minutes, I listened as my son yelled how much he hated us and how he felt like we hated him, too.  When it was all over, Monster Man cried along with me, scared of his own actions.  He wasn't even aware of everything that had transpired over the previous 45 minutes, and was terrified to learn that he'd tried to hurt his brother and sister.  "What if I'd hurt them really bad?" he cried.

Listening to my son sob as he came to the realization that he'd said and done such horrible things, as he repeated over and over how much he truly loves his family, was enough for me to finally give in and make that decision to finally get him on the medication he needs to hopefully put him in more control of his emotions, where he can finally fend off these horrible rage episodes.

So now I've begun this new journey... one filled with researching for the best doctors, the best medicines, the best therapies... one that I hope will finally bring my son some peace.