Rage

While laughter is the best medicine, I have a hard time finding the humor in the rage that Monster Man seems to experience quite often. He'll go through several great days, with little anxiety and very few tics. Then he gets hit with days where he seems angry at the world. He isn't feeling well today, which is adding to the anger.

Some days, his anger is aimed more at his brother and sister. Most days, though, it seems like his anger is aimed more at me. I've heard that because I am his "comfort zone" (the person he feels most comfortable around, who he can feel free to tic around and who he gets the most comfort from when he's experiencing anxiety), he feels more comfortable expressing his anger to me. Sometimes I wish that he wasn't so comfortable expressing that anger around me because the attitude always comes out that he can't stand me. Yes, he's even told me he hates me (which is completely unacceptable) during these times of rage. Hearing the tone of his voice, the yelling, the spite, and the choices of words while he's so angry is not just upsetting, it's hurtful.

After he calms down, he always apologizes and comes to me for hugs, and then he starts to get clingy and seems to have developed another stage of separation anxiety, and he's the complete opposite of the child he was only a few minutes earlier. It's amazing how fast his attitude shifts.

Clingy-ness, I love you, and I'm sorry

Monster Man has always been a bit clingy to me. The clingy-ness comes in spurts, getting progressively worse, then better, then worse again. He's always loved to be by my side when he isn't playing a video game, reading a book, or drawing. If I'm sitting by him when he's playing a video game, there are even times when he practically sits on top of me. We just figured he was a cuddly kind of boy, one who loved to hug and to spend time with me. There are times that the clinging seems to resemble separation anxiety, but we can usually work past it when it gets that bad. He also likes to say "I love you" a lot more than the other kids. Again, we just figured it was part of how loving he is. It never occurred to us that this isn't normal, that this might be part of something bigger.

I learned yesterday that this is actually part of his Tourette Syndrome. It seems to be more of the OCD side, if I'm reading right. It appears that many kids with TS seem to fear that something might happen to their parents, to the point that some call their parents, text them, etc multiple times a day just to say "I love you". Though he doesn't call me or text me, he does seem to feel the need to say it multiple times a day, even multiple times in an hour. He can be in one room and I'll be in another, and he'll yell "Mommy" from where he is. As soon as I ask what he needs, he'll just answer with "I love you." To me, there seems to be many worse problems to have than to have a child that loves you, but it does tend to be a problem when the clingy-ness gets to be a little disruptive to my classwork, his homework, and getting other things done.

Another part of his OCD and TS that I hadn't realized was part of the big picture was how often he apologizes. It broke my heart before to realize how much he was apologizing, since I thought that he must constantly think he is doing wrong. I thought that he might be a little depressed thinking that he was this person that needed to apologize for everything. He apologizes for every little thing sometimes, including apologizing for apologizing. Sometimes he apologizes for his "I love you"s because he thinks it's an inconvenience (I've told him that, while there are times that I need him to be quiet - like when I'm taking a test for school - I don't mind him saying "I love you", and that there is never a need to apologize for loving anyone). This need to apologize also seems to come in spurts, but I never realized that the need to apologize was part of his TS and OCD until I read about this yesterday, right along with the information on the clinging and the need to say "I love you".

I must say that I am a bit relieved to find out that his need to apologize is all part of what he is already dealing with. It is much easier to think about than the depression that I had previously thought might be to blame.