I know I've said it before, but sick kids and Tourette Syndrome do not go together very well. Monster Man currently has the same cold that Angel Baby and Little Man are just recovering from. While Little Man was cranky, stuffy, and had a scratchy throat, his symptoms were very mild. His did develop an ear infection and a slight case of conjunctivitis as well. Angel Baby was crankier than Little Man, a little sleepier than usual, and she ended up losing her voice. While she seemed to feel bad, her symptoms still seem pretty mild to what Monster Man is going through.
Monster Man seemed to be doing better over the weekend, but apparently got re-exposed to the germs, developed something new, or the virus is just trying hard to reappear for him. He stayed home on Thursday, going to the doctor with his brother and sister, but his symptoms seemed pretty mild. I actually thought we might make it through without his pattern of having the illness become a major ordeal for him. Instead, he came home today feeling so miserable that he crashed on the couch and slept for over an hour when he got out of school. When he woke up, he had a fever and his throat was hurting so bad he could barely swallow. He cried for over 20 minutes, until his ibuprofen finally kicked in and gave him some relief.
Whenever he gets sick like this, he gets panicky, too. Monster Man was so sure this afternoon that something was horribly wrong with him, and that he was going to have to go to the hospital. Every time that he is sick, we go through the same process of reassuring him that he will be okay.
Poor Monster Man is having a hard time with this virus, as usual. I wish that just one time he could get a cold that came and went without knocking him off of his feet.
I've been thinking back a little, trying to remember when Monster Man really started showing signs of his TS and OCD. Though the majority of the signs didn't show themselves until the past couple of years, I have to wonder if maybe the anxiety started much earlier than I realized.
Monster Man didn't learn how to swim until this past summer. I didn't think too much of it, though I did notice that his troubles were due to fear once he realized that he was actually swimming without support. Before this summer, he'd make it about three feet before his feet would drop below the water and he would start to sink. I remember when he was younger, even when he was tall enough to touch in the shallow end, he'd start crying that he was drowning if I wasn't holding on to him. I thought he was just nervous and overreacting, and I kept reassuring him; we even quit going to the pool for quite some time just to give him a break from trying to teach him to swim. Now that I look back at it, knowing what he is experiencing with his anxiety/OCD, I have to wonder if this was an early sign of things to come.
Sometimes I listen to the things that Monster Man talks about being when he grows up, and it almost makes me want to cry. So many of the things he mentions involve the things that he has recently become so scared of.
For years, he has talked about being a racecar driver. He wants to be a part of Nascar, driving right alongside some of his favorite drivers. He has made plans of how to get the money for his car, who to turn to for sponsorship, even what colors he wants his car to be. He has drawn pictures of his dream car, posting them all over his room. He has created his own version of a Nascar magazine for kids. I would love to see him meet this dream that he has put so much effort into, but then I think back to the fact that he's scared of the possibility of accidents, that he doesn't even like to sit on the driver's side of the car anymore, and it makes me wonder how he will ever be able to reach this dream.
He has also started taking an interest in outer space. He often talks about becoming an astronaut. He draws pictures of space shuttles sometimes, but he doesn't put as much effort into this dream as he does into his dream of becoming a Nascar driver. Still, though, I can't help but wonder about how he can achieve this goal. He's terrified of heights, busting into tears at the thought of being in a high space (though we can usually help him become more comfortable if we allow him to take time to adjust and if we stay patient with him. Even the thought of getting on an airplane scares him, so how could he handle getting into a space shuttle? And what about his reaction at the space center, when he was scared the rockets would fall over on top of him and crush him. He didn't even want to go near them, so how is he supposed to get into a shuttle? He talks about saving up to send himself to Space Camp, but I just don't know if I'd be able to let him go knowing how much these things scare him.
I want so badly to support Monster Man with his dreams. I've always wanted to encourage my children and to help them reach the goals that they hope to achieve. It's so hard to support Monster Man with all these questions in my mind, though. All I can do is pray for his fears to be relieved.
You never really know when a new tic or a new fear will start up. It seems like they come out of nowhere. It's weird how something that you have done just about every day of your life can suddenly turn into something that makes you nervous or at least uncomfortable.
Earlier today, I took Angel Baby, Monster Man, and Little Man to the store with me. Little Man sat in his usual seat directly behind me and Angel Baby sat in the other captain's seat beside him. Monster Man chose to sit on the rear bench seat, directly behind Little Man. I was driving down the road, less than five minutes from the house, when Monster Man suddenly informed me that he needed to change seats. I had to stop to let him move over directly behind Angel Baby. His reason for the switch, as told in a very nervous tone, was that he was "uncomfortable" and that sitting on that side of the van is "kind of freaky". Evidently, he suddenly realized that the cars on the other side of the road were closer to him than he thought, and he suddenly became afraid that one might cross over the yellow line and hit the van, injuring him. Once we got to the store, he also informed me that he was "kind of scared" when crossing the parking lot, afraid someone might come flying into the parking lot and hit one of us.
I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be in his shoes, constantly afraid that something bad might happen.
From what I've been reading about Tourette Syndrome through both the TSA website and from the National Tourette Syndrome Association facebook page, I've discovered that Monster Man's anxiety issues aren't just anxiety. In fact, they are labeled as a form of OCD. With TS, people who have obsessive compulsive disorder tend to dwell on fear of disasters. It's more a fear of the uncontrollable, rather than a fear of what could happen if you don't do things a certain way (which is the more common form of OCD in patients without TS). This really explains a lot about his anxiety. I mentioned previously about his fear of a hurricane coming up the mountain and his fear about roller coasters coming off the tracks or displayed rockets falling over on top of him. From what I've been reading, this is actually more OCD than just general anxiety.
Monster Man's fears seem to be a big problem sometimes. They seemed to develop overnight, and they've really hit him hard. I was really worried at first that he was alone in these fears, and that something more was really wrong. It is a relief to me to know that this is just a part of his TS, and that so many others with TS are going through the same thing.
Monster Man used to be the type of child that wasn't afraid of anything. I remember going to the bathroom one time when he was two and walking out to find him standing on top of the refrigerator. While on the swings, he always begged to be pushed higher. Danger? What danger? He didn't seem to know what the word meant.
Imagine my surprise when he started having major anxiety issues this past summer! He and Angel Baby visited my mom in the North Carolina mountains over the summer. You can't even tell you're in the mountains where she lives, but he was sure he was going to fall off the side of the mountain. When he heard about a hurricane in the Atlantic, he was sure it was going to come up the mountain after them. A couple of weeks later, he was invited to Six Flags with his best friend. He refused to go on most of the rides, afraid that the rides would come off the tracks, that he might slip out of his seat belt, that something - anything - might happen to kill him. In fact, he was so scared and was vocalizing his concerns so loudly that he ended up scaring people in line around him.
A week later, my hubby and I took the kids to the Huntsville Space and Rocket Center to see the Star Wars exhibit. Monster Man, a major Star Wars fan, would have a blast (we thought). When we arrived at the space center, he started panicking that the rockets out front would fall over on top of him. We had a hard time getting him to walk around and an even harder time convincing him to give the rides a try (interestingly, once he got on the rides he kept wanting to ride over and over again). Worst of all, he was terrified by the domed movie theater. Sitting too high had him in tears, and he still hid his face when I moved lower with him. The objects on the screen were too big for his comfort.
His anxiety hasn't just turned out to be fear about his own well-being. If Angel Baby's bus is even ten minutes late getting home, he worries that it might have gotten in an accident. If Little Man is running around, Monster Man is afraid he'll fall and get hurt. Sometimes, it seems like Monster Man is in almost a constant state of worry, and it breaks my heart.
Unfortunately, anxiety can go hand-in-hand with Tourette Syndrome. We're currently working on ways to help him calm down when his anxiety hits, including breathing exercises and a lot of patience, and his doctor has given him some medicine for when his anxiety is at its worst (though I've never remembered to have it with me at the times he's needed it thus far, so we're still not sure how well it works for him).
